Shipper’s Log: Valentine’s Day Trauma Centre

On this the day of greeting cards and flowers, one has to think of the ones they love…and I, not really finding one in my thoughts, instead settled on the TV couples to which I am incredibly emotionally attached. I guess this is just how my life works, I might as well get used to it.

However, I was most concerned to find that some of my favourite Shipping subjects were in grave medical condition on this beloved holiday. So, it’s time for the good doctor to head out on a special Valentine’s Day edition of the Shipper’s Log to prescribe the proper remedies for these relationships that are suffering during this season of cold and flu. As a result, I made sure that the Shipmobile picked up the three most critical couples and brought them to Shipper’s Log General Hospital.

More specifically, they brought them to the Trauma Centre. This is their story.

Case One

Everything was going so well for Henry and Betty. Walter, Betty’s annoying and childish boyfriend agrees to move away and never grace our screens again. Henry tries to go on a date with Betty to go see Wicked, which Betty fumbles but prepares to recover at the episode’s end. The whole Christmas scenario was dealt with recently, everything was lining up, and we know Christopher Gorham is likely coming back next season.

But, then the Ex shows up. Honestly, an ex-girlfriend? Please. This is a dire situation, although I think a little bit of surgery will clear things up. We need to immediately do an X-Ray to find out who’s playing this girlfriend, and then figure out what level of a threat they represent. We can only hope that it is a benign tumour, able to be excised with little effort on our parts here at the Trauma Centre.

There isn’t any other barriers now that Walter is gone, so we need to make sure Betty stays on track. The show has plenty of characters to ignore this drama for awhile, but Betty is now without a storyline, so she needs to remain committed to making this relationship work, and Henry needs to get his act together. This girlfriend better be worth it, Henry, your Trauma Centre bill will be substantial. Should have bought insurance, tsk tsk.

Case Two

Matt and Julie presented with a slight arithmea, nothing major, but we need to keep them overnight for monitoring. These two are perhaps the most realistic high school couple on TV in a long time: they’re awkward, they’re nervous, and they’re the epitome of charming. We need to be careful with these two, though, as the environment they’re turning to is most dangerous for such a condition.

Matt’s football life is starting to wear on Julie, bringing back to the surface her insecurities regarding dating a football player we saw in the pilot. There was booze, there were scantily clad girls, and Matt was innocent through it all…but Julie doesn’t think so. She’s starting to question his commitment, worry about his priorities. As a result, their emotions are in a constant flux, not helped by the drama of high school and the whole “Dating the coach’s daughter” scenario.

We need to calm things down for these two. They got along better last week during the Powderpuff game, but it won’t last, the problems will still be there. They need to meet on their own terms, outside of the realm of football and high school, and spend some time just getting to know one another on their own terms. We might keep them here as long as possible (They were smart enough to get insurance), just to keep them isolated from the terrible world of secondary schooling.

Case Three

It’s been 16 weeks since their fabled kiss on Casino Night. One would think that, by now, we’d be over Pam and Jim, and yet Jam keeps sucking us back in. We had been keeping our eye on them, but their friendship was coming back into focus and there were positive signs for the future. Karen seemed sketchy, not signed on as a regular and we heard she was considered becoming a pilot for a different airline, if you know what I’m saying. We believed in Jam.

However, Jam was rushed into the Trauma Centre with extensive damage caused by cardiac arrest. It seems that a cast regular, dastardly ex-fiance Roy, re-entered the picture with musical serenade and slow dancing. Not only did this sway Pam’s fancy, but Jim was witness to the event and returned immediately to his short-term infatuation with Karen. Patient is showing perhaps its greatest signs of weakness in the past four months, we suggest an emergency double bypass surgery.

We have to remove the Karen from the system, Jim’s relationship with her makes him unattainable. Pam and Roy need to realize that they tryst is nothing but a bad idea, born out of loneliness and jealousy. This is going to require a fair bit of sense from Roy, which would be a bit of a stretch, but I think we can make it work. With a few weeks of rehab, I think that Jim and Pam can be back on track for their May Sweeps reunion. It’s going to be a tough road to recovery though, the Trauma Centre could only do so much to deal with this issue.

Looks like it’s a Valentine’s Day success here at the Shipper’s Log Trauma Centre. These three couples may all be in trauma right now, but I think they’ll recover. We’ve had our hands full recently, working with Luke and Lorelai who are now getting out of their induced coma, so this workload was a tough battle. However, staff here at the trauma centre know the true meaning of love…in its television show form. In the real world we’re just as messed up as these people. Le sigh.