I might not be watching the series anymore, but I certainly am still watching the ratings for CBS’ Pirate Master. And while it isn’t the huge decline that hit FOX’s On the Lot earlier this summer, it is certainly bad news for the struggling reality series.

PIFeedback.com – Thursday June 7th Fast Nationals

Week two of CBS reality dud Pirate Master lived up to that description, with a disappointing 6.34 million viewers (#2) and a 1.9/ 7 among adults 18-49 (#2t) from 8-9 p.m. Comparably, Pirate Masters opened on May 31 with 6.99 million viewers and a 2.3/ 6 in the demo, based on the final nationals.

That means that the show dropped roughly 10% of its premiere viewers, while dropping a more disastrous 17% or so in the key demos; and this is without the same level of competition as last week! CBS, like FOX with On the Lot, is likely to stick with it to avoid admitting defeat, but Pirate Master will certainly not be returning for another voyage any time soon.

Also of note: ABC’s Fast Cars and Superstars failed to ignite racing fans:

Earlier in the evening on ABC was the debut of Fast Cars & Superstars at (an also estimated) 5.62 million viewers (#3) and a 1.9/ 7 among adults 18-49 (#2t) at 8 p.m.

Well, Mark Burnett, I gave Pirate Master two weeks of my time, but unfortunately I am not going to be able to continue walking the plank, dropping the anchor, or rigging the sails any longer, as Pirate Master has outstayed its welcome. I was all ready to follow you from sea to sea, from adventure to adventure (I even made a photoshop template last week, Mark, come on!). However, I’ve decided that sticking with it will only frustrate me further, so I should cut myself adrift before the ship sinks for good. But, of course, I can’t just say goodbye without letting you know my reasons for leading my mutiny.

5. The Confusion

On Survivor, and every other reality show, the rules are usually fairly simple (Or are ever-changing, like on Big Brother). Here, however, everything is left vague. Rules pop up out of nowhere, the Captain starts tossing around money as if it’s a normal strategy play, and the eliminations aren’t surprising but rather completely underdeveloped. It’s one thing to make a thinking man’s reality show, but it’s another to make one that only a doctorate thesis could properly dissect at this rate. They needed to set the rules down in this episode, and all they did was make them more confusing.

4. The Editing

Very simply, Mark Burnett has forgotten how to edit things. In the Eco Challenge era, he pioneered characterizations in reality television through smart editing, making sure that rivalries were fostered and created. Here, none of that seems to be present: the comments chosen for talking heads are often highly cliched, and fail to ignite any sort of character within these people. It is the job of the editing to make even boring people look good, and it just isn’t working here. There are no stories for these people, no identities. It’s not entirely the fault of the editing, but it should be stepping in to save these people. Speaking of which…

3. The “Pirates”

Reality contestants need to be either interesting or outrageous, and this cast consists of neither. When they’re asked to explain things in talking heads, like Cheryl explaining the Black Spot process, they are embarassingly terrible actors. When they were clearly told to dramatically look at the marked crew members and the captain during the elimination ceremony, they were wooden and terrible again. These people just are not good reality contestants. This episode at least showed them doing more of the work on the boat, which was cool, but none of them could even build a story around themselves. This episode boiled down to weaknesses, not strengths, and its highest profile pirate (Azmyth) didn’t even speak last week. That’s a cast filled with nobodies.

2. The Host

Cameron Daddo, you are not funny, charming, entertaining or engaging. I do not care when you’re on screen, and you don’t even try to get me to take your silly chest of Zanzibar seriously. A reality TV host is supposed to make even the most mundane challenege intriguing: when Jeff Probst or Phil Keoghan are stuck talking up a crappy challenge, they damn well make it sound like the best thing ever. Daddo just maintains his monotone perspective, believing that all pirates are soothed by stoic speech. This is not the case, and I certainly don’t tolerate it either. A good host could have steered this ship away from the sharp pointy rocks of suckage, but Cameron Daddo is not that host.

And finally, the #1 Reason I’m no longer watching Pirate Master…

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If you’ve watched Survivor before, Pirate Master will seem extremely familiar. It has 16 average people out of their element, it has challenges that feature keys and maps, it has interpersonal relations that challenge the patience of its competitors, and it has really fancy opening credits. And yet, with all of these comparisons to Survivor, you might think that Pirate Master is little but a derivative of Mark Burnett’s first reality smash hit. And well, it is derivative…but not really in a bad way. Believe it or not, I think I’ve secretly been craving a decent Survivor clone for a while now.

Pirate Master takes the basic elements of Survivor and includes within them an initially confusing structure that unveils slowly through this episode. In this episode, teams are first introduced to their home, the Picton Castle, and then immediately embark on an early morning journey to their first challenge. Here, split into teams of two, they compete: the winning team divides the treasure amongst themselves, and then the winning team elects a captain. That captain gets to pick two officers, and they get to stay in a posh captain’s quarters and be safe from Pirate’s court, where one of the pirates is sent home…but the pirates have the option of declaring mutiny against their captain as well.

Confused? Well, the episode rolled it out at a slow enough pace for it to resonate, and the result was a glimpse at what could be coming in future weeks. And, perhaps most importantly, there were glimpses at the type of drama that the structure can create. Not only are people competitive for the cash prizes (In the form of gold pieces), but they also have to deal with direct subordination and mutiny within the ranks. It adds some nice layers to the proceedings, and it gives reason to the often petty dislike that spreads within these reality shows. Unofficial authority figures are one thing, but real ones? They’re just scum.

Now, the show is not without problems: right now, host Cameron Daddo is more than a little bit absent from the proceedings, and he needs to develop a personality quickly (Note: Australian does count as a personality automatically, but I think he isn’t Australian enough to do with it and it alone).

The show’s biggest problem took place in its challenge: a sprawling, multi-part journey, it was basically a Survivor race challenge…but without Jeff Probst’s constant commentary and without the same sense of urgency as the teams were separated by a fair margin. Rather than being on a set path, things were quite hectic, resulting in a challenge that never really seemed dramatic. These treasure hunts are likely to vary slightly, so I hope others can step up to the plate.

However, on the whole I think Pirate Master has its priorities in the right place: like Survivor, the show’s very structure immediately created villains and heroes. Gruff Louie (Pictured), a Rupert clone of sorts, is immediately the hero as he rails against authority, while Joe Don immediately plays the role of arrogant villain as captain. Meanwhile, the two officers (Ben and Cheryl) each become pawns: they represent the authority, but yet have no true power themselves. They’re safe, but yet targeted, created conflicted minds. And then there’s the rest of the crew, left to swab the decks and plot mischievously. And plot mischievously John does, as the cocky Scientist/Exotic Dancer combo makes a power play to try to save himself at episode’s end.

This opening hour didn’t even introduce us properly to every character, and that’s definitely going to be a challenge for the show: while some personalities came through, there is really only Louie and John that stood out. Hopefully, over the next few episodes more people start to break through and make a difference. The show is missing Survivor’s Tribal Council discussions where everyone gets a voice, and the result is a disconnect with those people we haven’t even really met yet (One person I don’t think even spoke). As a result, there is yet work to do.

And yet, perhaps naively, I enjoyed myself. The concept has intrigue, there was enough fun characters to make this particular episode charming, and I’ve always been a big fan of the pirate-related reality television I’m imagined in my mind. The result is that I’ll be tuning in next week: we’ll see if anyone else feels the same as the ratings come in tomorrow afternoon.

Didn’t catch the episode? Want to remind yourself of what occurred, or who received the black mark and why? Continue reading for Cultural Learnings’ full recap.

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